Sunday, 27 November 2016


My daughter is two years plus and highly active. She always sides with her father against me. The other day I was arguing with my husband over a political issue and this small aunty got down from her daddy’s laps ,rushed to where I was sitting and began to hit me. I just folded her in a heap and flung back at her daddy.

 Both of them charged at me and I dived under the bed!

They stood there like Tom the cat anxiously waiting for me-Jerry the rat! 

I had to apologize from under the bed before I could crawl out..... "chei"

I think they formed this bond when the small aunty was in the womb. She will stamp the sole of her feet on my tummy and it will be so visible and painful, if I try to touch it so i can be comfortable her father will shout,

”Don’t  break my baby’s leg o!

“But it’s disturbing me na” I said in protest.

“Sorry……try to endure please” he pleads

On the day of delivery, come and see drama…………………….

Being  a first time mum, it was a harrowing and funny experience. The contraction started at midnight. I didn’t know it was contraction and thought it was stomach upset. 

I was visiting the toilet frequently and at a point i had to take flagyl to quench it yet it persisted.

By morning my husband drove me to the hospital.

I registered in two hospitals, so went to one of the hospitals. We met two nurses at the waiting hall and my husband told them that I’m in labour that  they should call the doctor and take me to the labour room immediately. 

They looked at me closely for some seconds and one of them asked,

‘Are you in labour?

“Yes” I replied wrinkling my face.

“You are in labour and you have the time to draw your eyebrow huh?

The other nurse burst into laughter.....

She continued “no my dear labour never start. When it start you go comot cloth sef!

However she ordered the other nurse to take me inside for a check.

After checking me she told the midwife that the dilation is 2cm.

“Only 2cm?... that was why I told her that labour have not started”

“Meanwhile, you can go and bring your baby things” she said to me.

“We want to see the doctor” my husband insisted.

“He’s not on seat…..he traveled but will be back before evening”

My husband and I decided to go to the other hospital. 

On arrival we met the doctor on his way out……he’s also travelling to Abuja for an exam and is rushing to catch his flight.

I remembered the story of Mr tortoise- the day he did not go to the market, he was told that his customers were all over the place looking for him but the day he went to the market, he was told that all his customers have all gone home!.

Today wey i wan born pikin naim all my doctors turn to Gulliver travel issorrite! 

I sat down and said one short prayer “ father lord, even if all the doctors traveled, I know you’re with me always and I know I will deliver this baby safe and sound.

The doctor ushered me into his office and checked me again and it was still 2cm. 

He assured me that his doctor friend is coming to take over the clinic in his absence till he returns and that I should not worry that I will put to bed before 11am. 

He also promised to keep in touch with me and advised me not to go home rather I should be walking up and  down as a form of exercise so that the cervix will dilate faster.

My husband and i relaxed a bit. 

He walked with me from one street to the other and along the way we bumped into my mum’s childhood friend. The woman advised us to  go home that being the first pregnancy , contraction will last longer because the baby is still positioning her legs.

“if you stay, they will be sticking their hands inside of you all in the name of checking  the level of dilation. Morning shift will check you and when they close,afternoon shift will resume the checking….it’s like the thing no dey pain you”

“E dey pain me o” I cried....

“That is why I’m telling you to go home and rest so you will have strength when the real show starts. I’m talking from experience believe me! she counseled

My husband didn’t want us to go but I insisted and he reluctantly agreed. On getting home, I was feeling very hungry  but the only thing hubby knows how to cook is boiling water for tea  though he always boasted that he can cook anything and everything.

Now the hour has come for the son of man to manifest his culinary skills!.

‘I said I’m hungry .…..very hungry o!” I screamed.

“Okay…okay..wha……what do you want to eat?” he stammered

“Delicious jollof rice mixed with gravy, chicken sauce, beef sauce and a steaming plate of goat meat pepper soup by the side!

He looked lost and opened his mouth to say something but closed it without uttering a sound. He turned and went to the kitchen. 

I heard the sounds of pots and plates and smiled in anticipation. The contraction was coming on and off so I decided to sleep, may be by the time I wake up, my sumptuous meal will be waiting for me! "poor me"

Unknown to me when he saw that I have fallen asleep, he sneaked out to a fast food joint and bought all manner of food on display. While he was gone, I felt an urge to urinate,  so I got up and decided to check how far he has gone with the cooking. 

I saw a pot  on top of the burner and opened the pot to do small tasting…..alas what did I see……boiling water! "Oh boy".

He came back a few minutes later and tiptoed to the kitchen with his packs of food but met me seated comfortably on a stool. He made to turn back but I gently called him back,

“Give me food make I eat joor, Mr. Chef International.!

He burst into laughter wiping sweat off his face. "the guy don suffer"

Towards evening, the contraction became more frequent so i packed my bag and we left for the hospital again. By this time, I was feeling like an axe is being hit on my waist....... the pain was unbearable. 

They checked me again and it was 4cm.

"Oh my God…oh my God…my mummy oo! I screamed.

“Hey don’t  cry o……..if you cry in your first pregnancy, that means you will be crying whenever you want to deliver. Endure it…….all these small small girls wey dey carry belle dey born am nah” one middle aged woman whose son was on drip admonished me.

My husband was not helping matter as he was almost crying along with me.

The ordeal continued until about 2am in the morning when I felt a trickle of blood on my laps and I was rushed to the labour room.

They checked me again and when I asked them the dilation, they didn’t answer but rather put me on hot drip!

For the next thirty minutes I saw hellll!

Fourty five minutes later, the womb opened and my daughter popped out!. i heaved a sigh of relief.

When the middle aged woman came to see us in our room, she exclaimed “so it’s a girl, no wonder the labour dragged for so long”

“Why is it so?” I asked with interest.

“You know as a girl, when she wants to come out, she will say “no, let me rub powder”, so she goes back to the womb and when she wants to come out again, she will say”no, let me rub lipstick, let me rub eye shadow  thereby prolonging the labour.”

“Finally when she’s satisfied with her look, she will gracefully come out” she analyzed clapping her hands.

I smiled weakly………….one of 'em midwife tales!

Stay chic



  1. Hahaha at small aunty.
    My girls have all teamed up with their dada against me. Their bond is out of this world.
    Lol at she will rub powder and lipstick before coming out. Some myths about pregnancy eh!
    Interesting read!

  2. Their bond is reallly out of this world. I can feel your predicament dear lol.